15 February 2013


382 view
{the view from Imogen's hospital room--early morning.}

I walked in the door the other day and Owen hugged me and said, "You smell like the hospital, mama."

We are there for the long haul, we now know. And so I guess that's something we are all getting used to--hospital smell.  I could make this a post about what, exactly, "hospital smell" might mean (some combination of medicines, antiseptic cleaners, and BO from days without showering, I imagine), but I think I won't.  It's OK, really.  Not the worst part of all this.  Still, I must have made some kind of face when he said it, because--sweet, perceptive boy that he is--Owen immediately backpedalled and said, "I don't mean it's a bad thing, mama.  I like going to the hospital sometimes."  Yes, he does.

Imogen is so fragile and so needful right now.  We are working hard for the boys not to be eclipsed, but it's a tricky balance.  When I started this post, looking back through my photos of recent weeks, I found I did not have a single one of Owen *not* at the hospital.  I needed to fix that.  Even though we have had some sweet times there--him holding Imogen (when we could), us reading his book near her bed, him and Elliott changing her hats each time they visit--the hospital is not his world, not his burden to shoulder. 

We are reconsidering what balance means in this time.  I made a three-part list: Priorities; Things That Would Be Nice If Possible; Not Important Right Now.  An interesting exercise--pumping and showers made list one, "sleep" landed on list two.  I am looking for ways to get the most out of "Time with Boys as a Family (with One or Two Parents)," list one, and think about small ways to create "One-on-One Time with Boys," list two.  Crisis forces you to define boundaries, to consider what's truly needed, in a way that ordinary time does not.

As you might have guessed from my silence here for a few weeks, "Blogging For Fun and Catharsis" didn't find a natural spot on any of the lists, though we have been keeping up with Imogen's blog once a week or so.  I am glad to be finding my way back here today, to finish this post that has lingered for a while, because I started it with an intent of taking note of the world beyond hospital walls--a world to which I still belong, even as I sit watch by patient Imogen's side.

mosey + plod.

snow day.

mosey + plod.

All these spaces--hospital, home, backyard, blog, even the bowling alley--they all have a place in this moment.  My heart, my schedule, must stretch to squeeze them in--and so even when I am tired and drawn thin, I try to keep it a loving squeeze, a warm embrace.


CARU said...

a big hug for you

small + friendly said...

Sending hugs. You are amazing and your strength humbles me.

melissa q. at a happy stitch said...

Oh goodness. Such a journey this one has been. Wishing you a few more accomplishments from list two (especially sleep) and strength of heart....stretching is hard.

Erin said...

sending more love, and i just discovered your blog. i missed some posts but will begin here. xo


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