03 October 2008

on blogging

As I suggested before, I was/am really hesitant to start a blog. Besides the waste-of-time factor, I feel paranoid about the idea of other people reading my "business." But, I do have a strong desire of late to record things. Maybe it's spurred by my sense of time passing more and more rapidly (emphasized in an un-ignorable way by my two growing kids). Maybe by a desire to perform the kind of distancing-from-feelings that happens when we put our thoughts on paper (on screen!), one step away from our brains, one step closer to self-analysis.

At any rate, one of the first things I did after setting up the blog was to install a SiteMeter, which I imagined would report zero readership for the forseeable future--giving me the idea of writing into a public space without the fear of anyone actually knowing what I'm saying. But lo and behold, the meter reported several hits in the blog's first weeks. Though I know the hits were most likely from bots or spammers trolling for email addresses, I panicked and pulled the blog's public setting, making it visible to invited readers (no one!) only. But that somehow seems even more lame, since the readership I really want to avoid is the people who know me in real life.

I think the fantasy for many bloggers is to have a large, anonymous readership--the notion of fame coupled with the possibility for self-(re)creation that a blog persona allows. People who know me in real life will, of course, see through any image of myself, my family, as put-together, creative, innovative... you know, as interesting. People who know me in real life will note the derivative nature of my posts (take, for example, the contemplative self-portrait-of-shoes above), the banality of my musings, the selections and omissions that betray the inner workings of my psyche.

Or something like that.

So, for now, this blog remains incognito-mosquito. Once I wrap my mind around the idea of exposing myself to whomever will pass through, I may go public again. Until then, I remain content to control my real-life persona(s) separately from my online self.

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